Hi my name is Jinan and today was sort of a miserable day.
I began my two months internship today. The people there are lovely, the offices are cozy and open but I was shaking with fear.
I wore my favorite pair of heels, make up on fleek, and I was still shaking.
I don’t like new things. I don’t like being in situations I can’t control. I was mute. They probably thought I was stupid or that I didn’t understand what they were saying. Every time someone came to speak to me I just nodded or shook my head or muttered ‘okay’. I put my earphones on because I didn’t want to hear other people talking around me. I was in a strange place with people I didn’t know with nothing to do. It was horrible.
I was a string stretched way too much and about to break any second.
The whole day I was sitting there with this huge weight on my chest and shoulders that just refused to lift.
I cam back home and was so tired even though all I did all day was sit on my desk and read about the company I was interning in. But that tension that I had placed on myself had taken its toll on me. After I woke up I was still not feeling well. The pit in my stomach was cold and empty and numb. I ate and then decided to take a shower. Then to my absolute horror I started crying.
It wasn’t a fully blown out slob fest thank goodness–but still.
I went out of the bathroom and somehow I was feeling a bit better. I felt like I had been acting, pretending for a long time and that after my mini-breakdown I wasn’t anymore. I didn’t have to act like I was strong anymore. I didn’t have to pretend that being at a strange place with strange people didn’t overwhelm me. Sometimes it’s alright not to be okay. Really.
I’m not sure if this is even going to go up. If it does, then congratulations, present J. Past J would be proud of you.